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March 17, 2021

The PANDAS Parent Starter Kit (Where to start after a PANDAS diagnosis- or if you suspect it)

PANDAS syndrome, though becoming increasingly more common and well-known, is still poorly understood by the majority of doctors. If your child has recently received a PANDAS diagnosis (or if you suspect your child has PANDAS or PANS), you’ll find the “PANDAS Parent Starter Kit” below helpful.

If you’re the parent of a child with puzzling and frustrating behaviors, you’re likely wondering what you’re doing wrong, what’s wrong with your child, and what can be done to improve your child’s behavior and relationships in the family, and to bring peace to your home.

Let me assure you, if you’ve landed here, you’re on to something. You know something isn’t quite right with your child, and you’re committed to helping him or her. Let me also assure you that there is hope! Whether your child has already received a PANDAS diagnosis, or whether you suspect that’s what could be going on, the tips below will help you get started to getting your child back on the right track.

How do I know if my child has PANDAS or qualifies for a PANDAS diagnosis?

First things first- is your child exhibiting symptoms of PANDAS? PANDAS symptoms can be wide-ranging, but mostly include neurological and behavioral abnormalities, like:

Obsessive compulsive disorder
Bipolar disorder
Anxiety
Hyperactivity
Restrictive eating
Tics
Depression or suicidal thoughts or ideation
Developmental or behavioral regression
Rage, aggression, or irritability
Sensory processing disorder

Often, these symptoms develop almost overnight, and usually following an illness. Sudden, acute onset of behavioral disorders is generally believed to be a hallmark of PANDAS syndrome, although some children do experience a slow decline that worsens with exposure to illness or other triggers.

What are the causes of pandas?

Because PANDAS stands for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections, the belief is that the main cause is a strep infection. However, evidence continues to emerge which links symptoms of PANDAS to many other triggers, which is why a broader diagnosis of PANS may be more appropriate for many children exhibiting symptoms.

PANS stands for Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome. Besides a strep infection (which may or may not present as a classic sore throat), the neuropsychiatric symptoms above can result from exposure to:

mold
Lyme disease and co-infections
environmental triggers and chemicals (though these have more of a cumulative effect and may result in a slow decline, rather than acute onset of symptoms)
flu
Espstein Barr virus (mono)
stomach bug
other acute infections
vaccinations (read about how vaccinations can trigger an autoimmune response here)

The best way to describe how PANDAS or PANS develops is that it is an autoimmune response to illness or some other trigger. Rather than creating antibodies against the disease like a well-functioning immune system should, the immune system instead creates antibodies against brain tissue. When the immune system attacks brain tissue, we see undesirable behaviors.

How do you treat PANDAS?

After reading the above, you may be pretty sure this is, indeed, what your child is dealing with. Whether your child has all or just some of the symptoms, whether there was a slow decline or an acute onset, the tips below can help your child recover.

Does PANDAS syndrome go away?

Yes! Many children reach full recovery from PANDAS. Because the underlying causes and triggers vary, modalities for reaching complete recovery can also vary.

The PANDAS Parent Starter Kit:
where to start after a PANDAS diagnosis- or if you suspect PANDAS or PANS

Below, you’ll find some steps you can take to help your child begin recovering now, whether you have an official PANDAS diagnosis or not.

Diet

Sorry. You knew I was going to start here. You knew it was coming: you must change your child’s diet. But even if you’re not 100% ready to go all in, there are baby steps you can take to begin improving your child’s behavior now!

To begin with, choose a handful of ingredients to eliminate totally and completely, not allowing your child to have them even on occasion. Here are the ones I suggest starting with:

Food dyes. This is non-negotiable. Kids with neuropsychiatric disorders cannot tolerate food dyes because of their neuro-toxic properties. They stimulate brains cells and cause them to misfire, leading to early brain cell death.
Artificial sweeteners. So you’re trying to do better and cut down on the sugar in your child’s diet? Unfortunately, when it comes to brain health, artificial sweeteners are worse than sugar. Like food dyes, the chemicals are neurotoxins that can cause unwanted behaviors. Be wary of anything labeled “sugar-free.”
MSG. Another neurotoxin that hides under a variety of names.
High fructose corn syrup. This syrup is chemically-derived from corn starch, giving it a high-fructose makeup which goes straight to the blood stream, causing both blood sugars and behaviors to spike.

Once you’ve tackled the worst ingredients, you’ll want to move on to eliminating ingredients like gluten and dairy from your child’s diet. Like children with autism, a gluten-free, casein-free diet can greatly benefit children with other neurological disorders like PANDAS or PANS.

Unfortunately, some parents don’t see a big difference in their child from just the above changes, so they give up and quit a healthy diet. The truth is, the above changes may not be enough for many children with PANDAS.

Many PANDAS kids do best with a very strict paleo diet, eliminating not only junkie ingredients, gluten, and dairy, but also refined sugars, legumes, and all grains. Yes, eliminating all grains means that store-bought gluten-free foods are a no-go.

Interested in the GAPS diet? Read more and find recipes here.

You don’t have to wait for a PANDAS diagnosis to see benefits in your child’s behavior from making diet changes. Choose a place to start, explain to your child that these changes are so he can feel better, and dig in (and don’t look back!). Changing your child’s diet is truly the cheapest and easiest way to help your child; I promise!

Wise supplementation

There can also be helpful supplements you can use to compliment your child’s diet changes. Start slowly, experiment, and don’t be discouraged if you don’t find just the right combination right away. Here are a few that we have found helpful, which we go back to time and time again.

Bioray Kids Happy- while this supplement isn’t entirely compatible with the GAPS diet because it has added flavors, it has been one of the most helpful supplements for quieting a behavioral flare.

Happy contains a unique blend of liver and immune-system supporting mushrooms, as well as chlorella, which supports detoxification, plus herbs that support the removal of unwanted organisms, like bacteria, viruses, and parasites. Most importantly, it has been clinically proven to reduce angry outbursts. Read more about our experience with Happy here, or buy Happy here.

Smidge probiotic- it’s important to use a good probiotic when working to heal the gut. While we have experimented with a variety of probiotics, we always come back to Smidge for a number of reasons, not the least of all that it was developed specifically for sensitive children with neuropsychiatric disorders. It’s free of bacterial strains that will exacerbate behavioral symptoms, as well as those that increase histamines, which can result in unwanted behaviors.

Smidge is both gentle and effective, making it a good choice for PANDAS kids. Plus, one bottle (though seemingly expensive up front) lasts a long time, making it the cheapest probiotic (per dosage) that our family has used to date. Buy Smidge here.

Oregano extract- oregano is a very powerful herb that works to combat a variety of infections, especially strep. It has anti-inflammatory, anti-microbial, and anti-fungal properties, and may even kill pathogens like MRSA and listeria. Oregano essential oil can be useful for ailments like colds and flu.

While we stick with oregano extract in general, we have also found that a supplement called Oregano Spirits works well when we need to pull out the big guns.

Get oregano leaf extract here and Oregano Spirits here.

Cod liver oil- while some children with tic disorders don’t do well with cod liver oil, we have found it to be one of the most effective supplements for stopping tics. Between the brain-fueling omega fats and the immune-boosting vitamins A and D, I think cod liver oil is one of the most important supplements for any of us to take. (Read more about how and why to choose a good cod liver oil here.)

There are only a couple brands of cod liver oil I trust and have had good results with. My favorite, most high quality is Rosita’s Extra Virgin Cod Liver oil, a small batch, artisan cod liver oil that is the purest available. Read more about it and buy it here.

Nordic Natural cod liver oil also has benefits, which I sometimes pick up at the grocery store between bottles of Rositas. You can check that one out here.

Magnesium- there are a variety of magnesium supplements available, but those we’ve had the best luck with are MagMind and Morning Magnesium. Read more about the best types of magnesium here.

While this is not an exhaustive list of supplements that can help with symptoms of PANDAS, these are a few we have found very helpful. Always go slowly, start one supplement at a time, and check with your healthcare professional before starting a new regimen.

Medical testing

Whether or not you’ve gotten an official PANDAS diagnosis, there are some tests that can be helpful to get to the bottom of some of the underlying conditions contributing to your child’s behavior.

We’ve done extensive testing over the years. Some has been expensive, unnecessary, and, ultimately, unhelpful. Others have been helpful and given us insight about how to proceed with treatment.

Tests that can be helpful

Stool testing. This can show what pathogens are overgrown or lacking in your child’s gut. It was stool testing that led me to suspect PANDAS, because, although blood testing didn’t find strep, stool testing did.
DNA/genetic testing. This can help you determine if your child has any genetic mutations contributing to improper detoxification, as well as give direction for other supplementation down the road. Read more about MTHFR mutations and how to test for them here.
Blood tests for specific pathogens. This may give you a start to figuring out what underlying infections your child might be battling, including strep, epstein barr virus, Lyme disease, and more. The caveat is that blood tests aren’t always accurate, and while they may provide answers, they could be a dead end too.

Tests that I would skip

Food allergy testing. While a lot of kids are clearly unable to tolerate milk or gluten, these often will not show up on any allergy tests. Your better bet is to do an elimination diet or just dive in to a gut-healing diet like GAPS. The key is healing leaky gut to eliminate food allergies.
The Cunningham Panel. If it’s important to you to get a medical PANDAS diagnosis, as well as get more information about what’s happening in your child’s brain, you may want to do this test. Learn more about it here. However, some PANDAS specialists may offer a clinical diagnosis based on symptoms and history.

Finding a doctor

If you are going to go the route of having tests run and may be considering using some conventional treatments (like antibiotics or IVIG) to compliment a healthy diet and supplementation, you can’t depend on just any doctor.

Most pediatricians and doctors are not familiar enough with PANDAS to offer treatment solutions, and many even deny that PANDAS or PANS even exist!

You’re much better off finding a PANDAS specialist, who will know which tests to run, which medications and supplements may be a good fit for your individual child, and how to support you with healthy lifestyle changes.

Search here to find the nearest PANDAS specialist to you, then be sure to call and ask questions before scheduling an appointment. You may also want to search for groups on Facebook where you can find other PANDAS parents near you who have had experience with a certain doctor. Many times feedback from other parents can be invaluable when searching for a doctor you can trust.

Use this PANDAS Parent Starter Kit to keep from getting overwhelmed

If your child has received a PANDAS diagnosis, or even if you just suspect your child might be suffering from PANDAS or PANS, I know it can be scary, overwhelming, and frustrating trying to get help. I’ve been there.

The emotions we experience as the parent of a PANDAS kid cannot be adequately described in words. We often feel like our child has been kidnapped and that we will never see them again. And we would do anything in our power to help them recover.

Take heart. There is hope for your child to recover, and you don’t have to do everything all at once. The above steps should be looked at as baby steps, with diet being the foundation of recovery.

Many children find healing in a variety of ways, which cannot be thoroughly covered in one blog post. However, just starting somewhere and working to lower your child’s inflammation is an excellent place to start and get him on the road to recovery.

Has your child received a PANDAS diagnosis? What steps have you taken to begin recovery? Share in the comments below!

August 29, 2016

Dear Fellow {Christian} Parents – Be Nice or Be Quiet

It seems I’m good at stirring up controversy. I’m getting used to it, but I still have feelings, ya know? It’s amazing to me the things people will say on the internet, and to them I reply: be nice or be quiet.

I really want to direct this post, though, to my fellow Christian parents, because some of the points I want to make won’t really be applicable to those who aren’t Christians. Which is not an admission of any sort of rejection, just a disclaimer.

What I really want to say to my fellow Christian parents: be nice or be quiet.

Now, I know that seems harsh, especially when many people think it’s not nice for me to be as outspoken as I am, but hear me out.

If you are a Christian, if you have a personal relationship with the Lord, then I’m guessing you pray. I’m guessing you read your bible. When you’re facing a tough choice, what do you do? You probably pray and ask the Lord to give you guidance. You probably seek His word for wisdom.

Now imagine facing a major decision that goes against the grain of everything you’ve ever done, everything everyone you know has ever done, really. You feel like you need to go out on a limb, to be obedient to something that the Lord is calling you to do, but you are scared.

So you pray. You read your bible. And you research the implications of your decision. Ultimately, you have to act in obedience, even if it means rejecting the comfort of doing what you’ve always done.

Many Christians are facing this process right now as they research vaccines and find that they aren’t comfortable giving them to their children.

Fellow Christian parents or piranhas?

It’s amazing to me what Christians will prioritize, what’s acceptable to prioritize. It’s ok to insist we protect our children’s hearts and limit their exposure to worldly music and television. It’s acceptable to be uptight about letting our kids sleep over at people’s houses that we don’t know well. No one balks at parents protecting their children in these scenarios.

So why is that when a parent makes an unusual choice, like rejecting vaccinations or adhering to a strict diet, that suddenly they are targeted for attack? Suddenly their fellow Christian parents become piranhas, and they find themselves swimming unprotected in open waters before being torn to shreds by those they thought were in their tribe.

Think I’m being dramatic? I’ve experienced it time and time again, and lost lots of friends. I don’t mourn those losses too much, though, because my children and their health are much more important to me than friendships that can’t stand up to my being vocal about making unpopular decisions.

If you’re one of those Christian parents questioning your friend’s unpopular decisions, here’s what I suggest:

Be quiet.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Don’t assume you have all the details or know why a parent is making the choices she is for her kids. When you go on the attack, it just makes you look like a jerk, and you are likely to sever the relationship rather than convince your friend to see things your way.

I once had an acquaintance from my church snarkily tell me that vaccinating was my “responsibility.” Did it make me mad? A little. But mostly, I thought she had no idea what she was talking about because she had no idea what my children’s health statuses were, why I chose not to have them vaccinated, that I myself had had health problems related to vaccinations, or that – can you believe?- I had prayed about that painstaking decision. Which leads me to my next point.

Give your fellow Christian parents the benefit of the doubt.

If you’re a praying, bible-believing Christian, surely you recognize that other Christians pray and read their bible as well. Surely you realize that other Christian parents pray about the choices they make for their kids. And surely you can understand that not everyone is going to come to the same conclusion or hold the same convictions, because the Lord talks to us all about different things, in different ways.

You also can surely understand that no parent wants to hurt their child. Some people think that not giving their child vaccinations is harmful to them, while others believe that vaccines actually hurt their child. Just because I’m in the latter camp doesn’t make me wrong. It means I have done different research, prayed different prayers, and come to different conclusions than you.

Do your own research.

Finally, if you are adamant that everyone should vaccinate their kids, period, because it will protect your children, and you haven’t given your fellow Christian parents the benefit of the doubt, recognizing that they’ve done their due diligence, maybe you should be sure you’ve done yours.

Can I ask you: have you prayed and asked the Lord if you should vaccinate your children? Have you looked up studies about the connections of vaccines to auto immune diseases? Have you read about which people may be vulnerable to vaccine damage?

If you have done all of the above, then great! If you choose to vaccinate your children after you’ve done the research, ok! I support your choice.

But if you have not read the books that I’ve read, done the research that I have, or been present for the private conversations between me and the Lord, you have no right to have an opinion about the choices I make for my kids. It’s none of your business. If you’re convinced that “herd immunity” is protecting your child and anyone who doesn’t vaccinate their child is putting your child at risk, please do your research.

Stop regurgitating the information you hear from doctors, nurses, and the media, and read a few articles of your own. Read a few studies. You’ll see that the science isn’t settled and that more research is needed.

Be nice or be quiet.

If you have done all your research and still feel strongly that other people should vaccinate their children because of the conclusions you’ve come to, you have a choice. You can either gently and kindly disagree, or you can be quiet. Any other choice is simply the wrong one.

Shouldn’t it matter more that we believe in the same God, that His Son died for our sins, and that we will spend eternity together in heaven? These earthly topics that we quibble over are really just dust in the wind. Is it really worth ripping each other apart over?

As parents, we all deserve respect for the choices we make for our children. Let’s extend some respect to our fellow parents, and some understanding for our fellow Christians.

August 9, 2016

Top Three Things Modern Motherhood Gets Wrong

My chest has been tight, my mind racing. I’ve been wanting to hide in my closet, eating chocolate and binging Netflix on my phone. I’ve wanted to ignore my responsibilities and tuck away from the overwhelm and anxiety. But motherhood doesn’t allow mental health days and babies don’t keep.

As I type this my toddler has wrapped himself around my body, legs wound around my waist, fingers tangled in my hair. His fresh-from-nap baby breath smells sweet and his soft skin is warm under my arms. My older kids are bickering in another room. I holler out an interjection to remind them to speak nicely.

These moment by moment blessings intertwined with responsibility keep me moving forward, doing the hard things: teaching stubborn, unwilling children to read, feeding growing bodies, quieting squabbles and teaching love and grace. But I wonder why some days it feels so hard, so heavy. And I wonder what I can do to make it better.

There’s the obvious: I pray. Sometimes an errant thought escapes and I know He hears me. Sometimes I ugly-cry facedown on my closet floor waiting for THE BIG MAGIC ANSWER and am reminded the magic is in the making of this life. And things get better as I grow and I learn and my kids grow and learn and we become people together.

There’s a reason, though, why modern mothers seem to struggle in ways our mamas and grandmothers didn’t, and I think we can make it better if we take a good, hard look at the failings of the institution of modern motherhood. I’ve narrowed it down to three things we’re getting wrong.

We ignore our biological instincts.

“Don’t spoil that baby.” “He needs to learn to be independent.” “Feed him by the clock.” “Didn’t you just feed him?” “It isn’t safe for him to sleep with you.”

I remember so clearly the overwhelm of being a new mom, and every worthless scrap of advice I received. The pointless books I read. The need I had to be in complete control: over my infant’s sleep and eating schedule, his behavior, my own needs and still trying to be a person of my own.

If I would’ve just let go and let my biological instincts take over, I think I would’ve felt more peace, less overwhelm.

We’re told to get our babies on schedules, teach them to sleep on their own, and prepare them for schooling as soon as they learn to talk and walk. It’s utterly ridiculous. Instead, I suggest we respond to our babies’ needs. Comfort them when they cry, snuggle them close while they sleep, and make them more important than arbitrary standards of what a perfect, controlled life looks like.

If cave women had left their babies to cry alone across the cave, they would’ve been eaten by wolves. Let’s not leave our babies to be eaten by wolves. There’ll be plenty of time for that when they’re older, but for now, let’s just love on them. It feels good, it feels right, and it brings peace to both mama and baby.

Another biological instinct we ignore? Asking for help.

We go it alone.

Modern motherhood is full of lonely women. Families are spread out and most women don’t have an older, wiser woman to hold her hand through the ups and downs and teach her the tricks of the trade.

There’s this huge disconnect, and no one dares admit they don’t have it all together, that they struggle. Instead, we go motherhood alone, pretending we’re doing alright, when, in truth, we’re wondering if we’re doing anything right at all.

I imagine sometimes what it would be like if we still used a village to raise a child. If the women in my life lived next door and we spent our days together preparing food and teaching children and tending garden. I don’t know what that was like, but I think it might’ve been wonderful.

But, that is not modern reality, and I don’t know that I can recreate it. So, I spend time with my family when I can and rely on their generosity in spending time with my children and giving me a break from time to time. And I lean hard on the pseudo-mamas gifted to me, asking them my homeschooling questions, admitting to them I’m stuck and need advice, and basking in their approval and validation.

There’s still a village, sometimes we just have to carve it out for ourselves.

We strive for extravagance.

I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest. It’s fun, but let’s be honest, no recipe or project I’ve ever tried to recreate has come out perfectly: I never have quite the right ingredients or the time to put into it.

I imagine all these crafty moms with lots of time to make pretty things, while I’m home with four boys who prefer dirt and lizards to glitter and bows. The upside? My boys do like to eat, and by golly, Pinterest is full of boy-pleasing recipes.

But I’m not disappointed that my life doesn’t measure up to Pinterest standards.

When my kids were younger, I threw big, extravagant birthday parties for each of them, complete with themed decorations, cakes (yes, that’s plural), and party favors for the fourteen thousand kids I’d invite. It was a facade: I loved it and it was fun, but it was so incredibly stressful and expensive. By the time the guests left, I was ready to crash.

These days, I throw small family dinner parties for birthdays and invite our kids’ best friend. Nothing over the top, but oh-so-peaceful. When my guests arrive, they join me in the kitchen and help me prepare food.

When did we decide to trade peace for pictures of a fun party, just so we could share on Facebook about what good moms we are and boy don’t we throw great parties? Trust me, take a grab at peace anywhere you can. You won’t miss the over the top parties or messy projects or being featured on Pinterest fail sites (those are hilarious, amiright?!).

Instead of extravagance, I want to strive for peace.

Modern motherhood gets a lot wrong.

But thankfully, I don’t ascribe to most modern motherhood theories. If you’re finding yourself in the season of overwhelm I’ve been swimming in, take a look at what you can change, what you can let go.

Listen to your instincts.

Ask for help.

Choose peace over perfection.

Don’t let the expectations of modern motherhood steal your joy.

Do you think modern motherhood sets us up for failure? Share using one of our links to let your friends know they’re not alone!

July 11, 2016

The one thing we can do to make the world a better place…

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can make this world a better place. How we can stop hurting each other and start showing some love. I want to believe it can get better, but Lord knows it seems to get worse every day.

Mostly, I’m angry. I want to tell everyone: just get it together. But I know that would be naive. I know there’s real hurt and real pain and real problems that need fixing.

But still, I’m angry. I’m angry that everything becomes an opportunity to exploit someone’s angle; I’m angry that everyone has an angle. And I’m angry that this is the mess my kids have to grow up in.

I’m not just angry, though. I’m sad. I’m heavy-hearted. And I really do want to help, to make things better.

Did I ever tell you about the time I traveled to Africa?

Alone. Across the world, by myself? I was 20. Brave and stupid and convinced I would change the world.

I was in college, studying to be a journalist and I was going to travel the world and write about things that mattered: things that would make peoples’ lives better, righting wrongs and exposing corruption.

I got pregnant about five months after that trip to Africa, then again a year after that, then again and again. And I looked up and had four children under the age of six and some days I couldn’t breathe. The likelihood of ever going to Africa as a missionary again looked pretty grim. I finished college only to put my writing career on hold.

Sometime after the birth of my fourth son, a friend posted on social media, defending a woman’s right to choose, especially in dire circumstances, when she might not be able to care for a child, or her health might be at risk. I argued that life should always be preserved and she issued me this challenge: “Boots on the ground: what are you doing to help these women?”

It struck me on some deep level. What was I doing to help? I felt so passionately for the unborn, the orphans, and the fatherless… and yet? I stayed pretty comfortable in the day to day.

So, I signed up and began volunteering for the local pregnancy help center. Mr. Incredible and I started going to classes to get licensed to foster to adopt. But before long, I had bitten off more than I could chew and we slowed down on our fostering plans and I quit my volunteer job.

On top of my quest to save the world, I’m also a mama to four mighty little men, whom I’m responsible for homeschooling and raising up. That in and of itself keeps me busy 24 hours a day (no vacation, + I work nights).

I thought that saving the world meant traveling the world. I thought I had to get my hands dirty like I had when I held the baby in Africa who had no diaper and only stinking rags that had been soiled over and over. I thought I had to meet some arbitrary standard that said “this is what being helpful looks like.”

It turns out that I can help the world by raising good men to be part of the world.

Yesterday, my eight-year-old son got mad at his seven-year-old brother and yelled and spoke harshly to him.

I called him to me and looked him in the eye, unable to contain my emotions, tears welling up. I told him “There are some pretty terrible things happening in our country right now. A lot of people are hurting, and things are pretty bad for some folks. I want to make it better. Don’t you want to make this world a better place?”

He looked at me, shaken, having no clue in his innocence about what has been taking place lately and why I was so upset, and said solemnly, “Yes.”

“It starts with you,” I told him. “It starts in our home, with being kind to each other, so that we can learn to be kind to the world.”

He got it. I got it. I don’t have to travel the world or volunteer or participate in outreach activities of any kind. Those things are great, and maybe someday I’ll be able to do them again, but right now: I’m changing the world.

I’m raising my kids to be kind and loving to each other so they can be kind and loving to the rest of the world.

Ultimately, my mission field is wherever I’m called.

In this season, I’m called to be at home with my boys. I’m honored to be called to be at home with my boys.

I’m honored to raise these four small but mighty men who will one day grow up to stand up for what’s right, treat women with respect, and share a gospel love with the world.

I’m honored to create a legacy of strong family values, because, after all, this country can only be as strong as the families within it.

I’m honored to show my boys that my favorite place to be is with them, teaching them to read, to write, to cook, to play, to create, to love, to give, and to spread their arms wide to a hurting world in need.

I don’t have all the answers.

In fact, I have very few. But I do know this: I can do something. I am doing something.

The importance of motherhood cannot be overstated. We have this enormous responsibility to raise people. People who will change the world.

The children we raise will grow up to vote, create policies, invent new ideas, implement change. They’ll have families of their own someday and those families will shape the direction this country takes. They’ll either change our world for the better… or for the worst.

If motherhood feels like a burden (and I know some days it does), remember, you have the most important job in the whole world. Want to help? Put boots on the ground and help make our world a better place? Raise great kids.

Tell your kids you love them. Every day.

Hug them. Every day.

Insist they treat each other kindly, forgive each other, and show each other compassion.

Refuse to allow division to grow between your children. Teach them that love wins and forgiveness is imperative.

Then insist they show the same kindness to the rest of the world. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll start to see things change.

June 8, 2016

Why Brock Turner is Everyone’s Problem

I hadn’t kept up with the story much. Brock Turner… star swimmer… Stanford… But browsing the news on Monday, it caught my attention: 6 months for rape. 3 years probation. And I thought “something’s not right here.”

I thought it must not have been as bad as it sounds. But it was; it was as bad as it sounds. Worse, even. Brock Turner raped an unconscious girl behind a dumpster, and effectively took away her dignity, her sense of self-worth, her own sense of autonomy. And he got 6 months.

And the judge’s sentence and accompanying sentiments, as well as the letter from Brock Turner’s dad are telling of what the real problem here is. Hard jail time would be too hard on him. We shouldn’t punish him too harshly for 20 minutes of action. 20 minutes of action. 20 minutes that ruined a girl’s life, but let’s not make it too hard on him.

Because we coddle our young men and women. We tell them they’re the best and even if they’re not, we celebrate mediocrity (you know, participation trophies for everyone).

And I can’t help but get emotional as I type this because I’m raising up four young men, who be but tiny now, but someday will have the power to overtake a woman.

Brock Turner is everyone’s problem.

I’m not the only mama raising up boys, so I know I’m not alone in wanting to raise up men who will grow to have integrity and choose to live a hardworking, honest, purpose-driven life.

But somewhere, we’ve gone wrong.

We’re raising up this entitled generation of young people who think everyone owes them something.

I see children yell at their parents “GIVE IT TO ME NOW!”

I see parents who have lost their backbone and refuse to discipline their children, lest the child become upset.

We have traded what was deemed to be too-harsh parenting for permissive parenting, and now the kids are calling the shots.

Brock Turner obviously grew up in a home where he was calling the shots. When his father excuses the most reprehensible behavior a man can be accused of, we see clearly that Brock Turner has never been made to take responsibility for his actions a day in his life.

How to NOT raise a Brock Turner

Somewhere, at some point, we have to get off the crazy train. We have to teach our children how to be good people again, because children who yell at their parents and are not made to take responsibility for their actions become adults who are unemployable, spouses who are selfish, parents who are short-tempered, and, in some cases, men who rape women.

You’re not your child’s friend.

It’s not your job to make your child feel good about himself 24/7. It’s your job to help him learn from his mistakes. You can’t always be in your child’s good graces, and you’ve got to be ok with that.

Does it make me sad to discipline my kids sometimes? Absolutely; I hate seeing them cry, or feel shameful about their behavior, but if I don’t ensure they know they were wrong, they will keep behaving badly, and someday, I’m going to turn them loose on society. Society should not have to pay because I didn’t want my kid to get mad at me.

Let your child experience the consequences of his actions.

Children who are not made to experience the consequences of their actions become people who don’t understand cause and effect. They become people who hurt people.

Listen, not one of us is getting out of this life unscathed. We all go through hurtful things in our lives, but if I can help my boys understand how their actions affect other people, I can minimize some of the hurt in this world. When they mess up, I make sure they know it, and I make sure there are consequences. Often, the natural consequences of making a bad choice are enough, and sometimes, their dad and I have to come up with more consequences.

The point is, when kids are protected from consequences, they can easily shift blame to someone else. Brock Turner is now trying to raise awareness about drinking on college campuses, using intoxication as a scapegoat for his despicable behavior. His victim has (reasonably) asked for an apology, and instead, Brock is on a crusade for a cause.

You’ve got to teach your child to take responsibility for his actions.

If your children are never able to experience the hurt of the consequences of their actions, they’ll never have the opportunity to own up to their mistakes. Learning to apologize is part of becoming a man. It’s part of becoming a mature, responsible adult.

Brock’s victim will likely never receive an apology from him, but Brock refuses to take responsibility for his actions, because Brock (presumably) grew up in a home where he was praised and coddled, and because Brock’s dad makes excuses for his vile behavior.

We apologize in our home. Oh boy, do we apologize. With four boys, you can imagine how many opportunities there are for apologies on a daily basis. I apologize to my boys, and I think it’s important to model for them the humility required to admit I was wrong, and ask them to forgive me when I lose my cool, speak rudely, or misunderstand a situation.

Sometimes I have to swallow my pride. We need to teach our kids to swallow their pride and ask for forgiveness.

When my boys are in the midst of a heated battle because they’re fighting over something or there was a physical altercation, I will not let us move on until they have apologized and all parties have extended forgiveness. I know some people say that forcing children to apologize is fruitless because you can’t change a child’s heart with words, but I disagree. Insisting they apologize to one another and grant each other forgiveness forces them to set aside ego and repair the relationship. It forces them to take responsibility for their actions.

Raise them up in the way they should go.

More than anything, today’s children need Jesus. Isaiah 54:13 tells us “All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace.” I want my boys to live a life of peace!

I kinda doubt Brock Turner is experiencing much peace these days.

When we allow our children to be taught by the Lord, and look to His word for tips on raising up our kids, we give them an irreplaceable gift: peace.

Let’s stop bowing to politically correct parenting and teach our children to be young men and women of integrity, who understand the value of hard work, take responsibility for their actions, and treat others with respect. It starts with us, parents.